Teeter-Totter of Insanity

What kind of mother was I going to be?

The kind who baked yummy dinners from the Campbell's Soup Dinner Cookbook.

The kind who made delicious treats on a regular basis so my children would rush home to gobble them up.

The kind who kept an immaculate house--within reason.

The kind who sweetly kissed her kids as they rushed out the door to catch the bus and then was at the door smiling sweetly at the end of their school day as they rushed home to eat the afore mentioned goodies.

The kind who let the kids have the whole neighborhood over every day after school.

What kind of mother am I?

The kind who has banned every preservative from my house...so throw out the Campbell's Soup Cookbook, it won't do me any good!

The kind who will occasionally make a treat with white sugar (we did make cookies last night...whole wheat cookies...) but usually all treats have alternative forms of sweetner (honey, agave nectar, stevia). And, I didn't stop with my sweetners...goats milk is in our fridge, and homemade goat yogurt, and homemade goat cheese...anybody wanna join us for a meal?

The kind whose house is free of mold in the toilets, but some days that's as good as it gets.

The kind who wishes her kids would just want to play with each other a little more, and want the neighborhood over a little less.

The kind (get ready for this...it's a doozy) who doesn't kiss her children sweetly as they rush out the door to catch the school bus. That's right folks. I don't kiss my children before they get on the bus. I don't even put them on the bus...nor do I drive them to school...nor do I walk them, or let them walk themselves, or ride their bikes. I keep them home...that's right...all day long...

What am I smoking? What did YOU put in my water? I NEVER wanted to homeschool my children. I NEVER even gave it a moment's thought. THAT is what OTHER mother's may do. THOSE women are NOT at all like me. I would NEVER do such a thing. I am simply NOT a "homeschool mom". And did I mention I am expecting? That's right...I am a high risk pregnancy and this is my fifth child, and the doctor's love me so much that they insist I come in on a weekly basis so they can get their dose of me.

Let's just say this is a complicated year. There are days when I wonder if there is ANY way possible for me to survive all the demands that I feel on my shoulders. There are days when I feel as if there is NO WAY in this world that I could POSSIBLY do a worse job educating my children than the schools have done. There are days when I feel as if there is NO WAY I can possibly be the mother my children need me to be. There are days I get so excited about all that we will learn, all the improvements we will make (especially with Remington's reading) that I wonder if I will EVER be able to go back to the public education system. And then, there are those days that I want to sit on the floor in the middle of my kitchen and cry. There are days when I KNOW this is what my children need right now and that there is a much wiser and more able power who will help me do and be what I need to do and become.

Teeter. Totter.